Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Upcoming uniform changes

Single-breasted jackets, skirts and even earrings for all Sailors are soon in the works.

In a surprise move, the Navy Uniform Board announced it would be simplifying uniform standards by unifying the difference between male and female uniforms.  The board will be rolling out new uniform changes on April 23rd fleet wide.  The changes include a single breasted jacket for all Sailors' Service Dress Uniform, 4-6mm earrings for both sexes, and the same set of prescribable and optional items.

"Every Sailor knows that the uniform standard is already complicated, and the Uniform Board continues to make it difficult every year with our constant, meaningless uniform updates." said Jerome Lucio, a retired Master Chief currently serving on the uniform board.  "We've already made uniform covers the same, but Secretary Mabus called and wanted us to push the limit to achieve real uniformity in the ranks.  So we simply combined the male and female standards into one section."

Reactions among Sailors has been ecstatic, especially since senior enlisted realized they could now wear pregnancy tops at any time.  "I've always struggled to look good in khakis with a 48" waist.  Now that I don't have to tuck my shirt in, I can look halfway presentable throughout CPO 365." said CTTC Edward Martin, the CPO 365 safety observer onboard USS BARRY.  "Even better, the new standards let us spend less time on policing uniform standards and more time on the important things for promotion, like volunteer service and collateral duties."

Many junior Sailors hailed the changes as keeping up with the times.  MM3 Pat Rose told reporters "I had my ears pierced in high school, but it's been hard to maintain the holes since I can't wear posts in my ears while standing watch on the quarterdeck.  I mean, even pirates wore earrings back in the day."  One of MM3 Rose's shipmates onboard USS HAMPTON, a fast attack submarine, commented that Pat had also "given him something pleasant to stare at while on the midwatch" by taking advantage of the new rules concerning grooming standards and skirts.

Not all Sailors were fans of the changes.  Some leaders argued that simplifying uniform rules would lower morale.  "Now we'll have to do something drastic, like reduce Sailor pay, in order to bring morale back up across the fleet!"  grumbled YNCM Grant Cummings, the command master chief at Fleet Forces Command.

But a spokesman for the Secretary of the Navy's office had nothing but praise for these revolutionary efforts.  "Secretary Mabus truly believes that uniformity in uniform standards will result in uniform treatment of uniformly appearing Sailors across the fleet.  This, plus our immediate cancellation of flame-retardent coveralls will save enough money that we can use bio-fuels for the remainder of FY 2014."  The spokesman later denied that the coverall cancellation coincided with increased firefighting training and another round of manpower cuts.

 Yes, this would have been better timed for April 1st, but I'm traveling soon, couldn't think seriously and Duffel Blog wasn't taking submissions. Enjoy!