Single-breasted jackets, skirts and even earrings for all
Sailors are soon in the works.
In a surprise move, the Navy Uniform Board announced it
would be simplifying uniform standards by unifying the difference between male
and female uniforms. The board will be
rolling out new uniform changes on April 23rd fleet wide. The changes include a single breasted jacket
for all Sailors' Service Dress Uniform, 4-6mm earrings for both sexes, and the
same set of prescribable and optional items.
"Every Sailor knows that the uniform standard is
already complicated, and the Uniform Board continues to make it difficult every
year with our constant, meaningless uniform updates." said Jerome Lucio, a
retired Master Chief currently serving on the uniform board. "We've already made uniform covers the same, but Secretary Mabus called and wanted us to push the limit to achieve real
uniformity in the ranks. So we simply combined
the male and female standards into one section."
Reactions among Sailors has been ecstatic, especially since
senior enlisted realized they could now wear pregnancy tops at any time. "I've always struggled to look good in
khakis with a 48" waist. Now that I
don't have to tuck my shirt in, I can look halfway presentable throughout
CPO 365." said CTTC Edward Martin, the CPO 365 safety observer onboard USS
BARRY. "Even better, the new
standards let us spend less time on policing uniform standards and more time on
the important things for promotion, like volunteer service and collateral
duties."
Many junior Sailors hailed the changes as keeping up with
the times. MM3 Pat Rose told reporters
"I had my ears pierced in high school, but it's been hard to maintain the
holes since I can't wear posts in my ears while standing watch on the
quarterdeck. I mean, even pirates wore
earrings back in the day." One of MM3
Rose's shipmates onboard USS HAMPTON, a fast attack submarine, commented that
Pat had also "given him something pleasant to stare at while on the
midwatch" by taking advantage of the new rules concerning grooming standards and
skirts.
Not all Sailors were fans of the changes. Some leaders argued that simplifying uniform
rules would lower morale. "Now
we'll have to do something drastic, like reduce Sailor pay, in order to bring morale
back up across the fleet!" grumbled
YNCM Grant Cummings, the command master chief at Fleet Forces Command.
But a spokesman for the Secretary of the Navy's office had
nothing but praise for these revolutionary efforts. "Secretary Mabus truly believes that
uniformity in uniform standards will result in uniform treatment of uniformly
appearing Sailors across the fleet.
This, plus our immediate cancellation of flame-retardent coveralls will
save enough money that we can use bio-fuels for the remainder of FY 2014." The spokesman later denied that the coverall cancellation coincided with increased firefighting training and another round of manpower cuts.
Yes, this would have been better timed for April 1st, but I'm traveling soon, couldn't think seriously and Duffel Blog wasn't taking submissions. Enjoy!
